Category Archives: Advice

Bridesmaid on a Budget

Q: A friend has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, but I’m worried about how much it will cost. I’m on a very tight budget now and the bride doesn’t plan on having an inexpensive wedding. I’m already going to have to fly down for the ceremony, but I don’t think I can afford taking other trips for showers or bachelorette parties. And I know she’s going to want us to buy a designer dress. What should I do?

A: Trust me, you are not alone in this. The cost of being a bridesmaid can be extremely high. If there will be a bridal shower and bachelorette party to travel to, you may end up paying for three flights, three hotels, and three gifts before the big day arrives. That’s not to mention food and alcohol during these occasions. And some bridal parties will ask their guests to chip in for special events: spa days, bar crawls, a limo, favors, decorations. For the actual wedding day you’ll be purchasing a gown that can cost between $150 and $300. You may be asked to have your hair and makeup done, which will set you back another $150 at least, and you may have to purchase particular shoes and jewelry as well. This all costs money.

So what can you do?

1. It is okay to say “no.” I know this is hard to hear because chances are you really do want to be in your friend’s wedding. (If you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, you should have said “no” in the first place.) But your friend is asking you to be her bridesmaid, not telling you. If you know that the cost of this wedding is going to be way outside your comfort zone, tell the bride that you’re honored that she asked you, but that you’re just not financially able to do it right now. Tell her you cannot wait to spend time with her on her big day, but that your situation only allows you to spend money on the flight to the wedding.

Yes, the bride may be disappointed, even mad. If she’s really your friend, she will get over it. You’ll also save both of you some headaches and heartaches. You’re going to be stressing out every time you click “buy” and she may be stressed out that she’s asking too much of you. If you have to constantly remind her that you’re on a budget, she may feel annoyed or harassed. You might be doing both of you a favor by opting out. However, you have to make this decision up front. Saying “yes” and then backing out later will cause hurt feelings and make the bride feel like you’re punishing her. Once you’re in, you’re in.

2. Talk to the bride about her expectations. Saying “no” not an option? Call the bride and tell her that you’re worried about costs since money is tight right now and that you want to put together a budget for yourself. Presenting it this way will keep the bride from feeling like you’re complaining to her about how much she’s asking you to spend. Say: “I want to get a general idea of how much everything will cost so I can plan ahead.” Ask her what she’s thinking about for parties and apparel. Will any of the parties be within driving distance? Will the bridal shower and bachelorette party be combined? Does she have a price point in mind for dresses? Once you know the costs, figure out how much of it you can afford. Tip: When the maid of honor starts planning the bachelorette party or bridal shower, ask her up front how much it will cost before you RSVP “yes.” This way you can avoid hidden costs. You don’t want to sign up for the party and then find out the bride wants to go on a cruise or rent out a restaurant—and you’ll be footing the bill.

3. Present your plan to the bride. Once you know the costs, come up with a plan. The easiest way to save money is to opt out of the pre-wedding festivities. There’s a chance the bride will be upset about this, but hopefully your friend will understand that you have to prioritize. Suggest to the bride or maid of honor that you combine shower and bachelorette events into one day or weekend. That’s one less trip to worry about and will be appealing to all the attendees (who doesn’t love a big party weekend versus lots of commitments spread out over months?). If you’re looking for smaller ways to save money while still attending all the events, consider these options: Continue reading →

Six Dirty Details Bridesmaids Need to Know

The term “bridesmaid” often conjures up images of wild bachelorette parties, pre-wedding mimosa toasts and breathless wedding gown shopping with the bride. But first-time maids beware: It’s not all fun and games. Here are some of the dirty details of bridesmaiding, the jobs you don’t think about but nonetheless better be ready for!

Let’s start with the bachelorette party and bridal showers.

1. On bachelorette night, you’re the Designated Bride Buddy. If you’re the maid of honor, I personally think that you are officially in charge of taking care of the bride. You’re her best friend and it’s her night to go crazy, but someone has to make sure she gets home safe. Looking out for her can be as simple as making sure she has her purse and arranging transportation for the night, but it can also mean cutting her off, fending off unwanted attention, or taking care of her if she gets sick. In order to truly watch out for her, you’ll have to dial it back a notch and party a little less than the rest of your group, but your bride will appreciate that someone had her back all night.

2. Sometimes you have to be the bitch. How can I explain this…? Ok, for example, I once attended a bridal shower where one of the guests had very recently found out she was pregnant. She proceeded to hijack the shower, constantly turning the conversation to herself. The bride was way too sweet to say anything, but I felt really bad watching this girl take over the bride’s day. Bridesmaids (and especially MOH), if someone’s got to be the bitch, make it you. Now, I don’t mean go all bridesmaid-zilla on her. But pull girls like this aside and remind them what we’re here to celebrate. The same concept can apply to girls who are holding up the group at bachelorette parties, stressing the bride out with worries for the future or needling her for any “nagging doubts”. If there’s negative energy in the group, take into upon yourself to “bridesmaid up” and stand up for your friend.

On the wedding day, you may find yourself involved in all kinds of precarious situations.

3. The term “bridesmaid” can sometimes translate to “event helper”. If a bride has taken on a lot of the planning, decorating and organization of the event herself, she’s going to need willing servants the day of to do her bidding. You are now officially manual laborers. You may find yourself setting up chairs, arranging flowers, hanging decorations or completing any number of tasks. I once helped the bride cook dinner for her fifty guests, arranged chairs in the yard, made a veil out of few yards of mesh and then cleared dirty plates and carried out each of the three courses during the reception.

4. Wedding dresses are complicated. They require things like corsets and bustling. Both of these tasks will fall to the bridesmaids and trust me when I say they can be frustrating and time-consuming. It’s highly, highly recommended that at least one of the bridesmaids go to the final fitting with the bride! There a wedding professional can teach you how to properly lace the corset (And make it look good! That’s the hardest part!) and bustle the gown. Make sure you try it yourself at least once in the salon. Need a refresher? Here’s a great video on corset lacing (with a British accent!). Bustling will really depend on the gown, so make sure someone has taken notes!

5. You may be familiar with the ol “help the bride pee” bit. This is a real thing people. If the dress has any kind of volume or train, the bride will need some assistance and it’s your job to give it! This may even extend to helping the bride sit without wrinkling her dress. One of my brides had a huge gown that would wrinkle if she sat on it, so as we waited for the ceremony to start we draped the entire skirt around a sofa with the bride plopped in the middle. She looked like a giant cupcake, but that dress stayed wrinkle-free!

6. Oh, picture time. You are so long and complex. But during this time, it’s your job to keep the bride looking fresh and perfect. Of course someone will need to carry around her train, but you should be ready for anything. I’ve toted around a damp towel to dab off sweat during a hot Florida summer and a friend of mine once switched underwear with the bride halfway through the photo shoot because the bride’s colored panties were showing through the dress!

In the grand scheme of things, these dirty details are just that—details. What I remember about each of my experiences as a bridesmaid are the good things—the excitement, the fun, the laughs, the tears. But be ready to be a helper and supporter to your friend, even if that means getting your hands (and dresses) a little dirty.

The Maid of Honor Speech: Do’s and Don’ts

Last week we went over the basic format for a maid of honor toast and some ideas and inspiration. This week, we’ll go through some all-important do’s and don’ts.

Do bring a glass up with you. After all, you are giving a toast, so you need a glass of something to toast with!

Don’t share stories you wouldn’t want to tell the bride’s grandmother. There’s always a temptation to share your most outrageous story about the bride. But if that story involves drugs, alcohol or sex, or any mixture of the three, fight the urge!! This most often happens with best man speeches, but I’ve seen it go down with maid of honor speeches too. The bride is mortified and it will not bring in the laughs you expected—trust me.

Do bring the speech back to the couple. Since you’ve been chosen as the maid of honor, chances are most of your memories revolve around the bride. It can be tempting to focus on her too much or to tell lots of stories about the two of you. But remember where you are and why you’re all there. It’s ok for your speech to be a bit bride-centric or to include one or two stories about your friendship. After all, you’re her best friend, sister or both! But make sure you bring the groom into the toast.

Don’t use inside jokes. Nothing is more annoying than a speech that’s unintelligible to 90 percent of the audience.

Do moderate your drinking before toast time. One or two drinks is fine (depending on your tolerance of course), but cut yourself off after that. A maid of honor slurring her speech, going off on a drunken tangent, adding inappropriate comments or (yes, this seriously happens) vomiting from a combination of nerves and alcohol is an instant party-downer. Continue reading →

The Ultimate Maid of Honor Speech

In my experience, a maid of honor toast can go two ways: funny or sentimental. We sort of luck out in that way. The best man basically has to be funny. It’s expected of him. But if stand-up comedy is not your thing, you are off the hook. You can be totally sweet and heartfelt and people will love it. If you can make a crowd laugh though, go for it! Stick to what you’re good at and you’ll end up with a speech that feels genuine and that you’ll feel comfortable giving. I try to create a good balance of funny and sweet, so my personal approach is to open funny and then slowly progress to sweet, ending with heartfelt well wishes for the couple and a big hug (tears optional).

Your toast basically has three elements: a beginning, middle and end. Here’s a general outline to get you started.

The Beginning

Start by introducing yourself and share how you know the bride. Say “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Caitlin and I’m the bride’s sister/best friend/sorority sister/former roommate.” This may sound like a boring opening, but unless you know every single person at this wedding, it’s important to mention who you are and your relationship to the bride. You can mention how long you’ve known each other if the number is impressive (don’t say “I’ve known the bride for one year”) and quickly tell the story of how you met if it’s funny or cute.

I find this is a nice soft opening. It’s personal and you can usually work in a laugh. If the story of how you met isn’t doing it for you, the intro is also a good time to throw in some stories about being her maid of honor or to mention how honored or excited you are to share this day with her.

After your introduction, it’s also nice to work in a thank you to the bride’s parents if they are paying for the wedding. It’s not required, but it’s a nice touch. You can say something as simple as “And I want to extend a big thank you to Mr. and Mrs. Jones for hosting this amazing celebration!”

The Middle

The middle of the speech is understandably the hardest. This is where you need to decide what you want to say today. Be advised: It is ok for these things to be short. Try to keep your speech at 5 minutes maximum. Any more and the crowd is going to get restless and start murmuring amongst themselves and storming the buffet. Take some time to think about the kind of tone you want to set with your speech. Jot down words that describe the couple or remind you of stories you might tell. It can be helpful to choose a framework for your speech. Here are some ideas to help organize your thoughts and get your started.

  1. Tell the story of how the bride and groom met or how he proposed. Not everyone at the wedding may know theses stories and if there’s something especially touching or funny about them, it can be a great way to focus on the couple and enhance their day. At Marisa’s wedding, I told the story of their proposal. Marisa broke her wrist on their skiing trip and almost didn’t make it to the top of the mountain where Justin planned to propose. He had to lure her up with the promise of waffles and nutella. I told the story, then ended by telling Justin that I hope he always shows Marisa the support he gave her that day and that I hope Marisa always goes to the top of the mountain—even if there’s no nutella that day. You can use stories from the couples’  relationship as examples of why they’ll have a great marriage. In my opinion, this is the best recipe for a great speech.
  2. Format your speech as “the three reasons Tiffany is right for Mark, or Mark is right for Tiffany.” Continue reading →

Q&A: Can I bring a date (and should I)?

Q: As a member of the wedding party, can I bring a date? And more importantly, should I? I know I’ll be with the bride for long periods of time, so what can I do to make the wedding a good experience for my date too?

A: If you’re not seeing someone on a steady basis and you’re a member of the wedding party, I’d strongly recommend not inviting a date. The demands of being a bridesmaid will keep you away from your guest for a fair amount of time, so it’s not a good venue to test a new relationship. Likewise, you’ll be surrounded by girlfriends, so there’s no chance you’ll feel left out without a date.

If you do have a significant other, ask yourself a few very important questions before asking them to come to the wedding. First, ask your bride what the seating arrangement will be at the reception. Very few brides insist on the old-fashioned head-table set-up, but if your bride wants this traditional format, then the wedding party is seated apart from their dates. This means that the day of the wedding you’ll probably say goodbye to your date early in the morning to get ready with the bride and not meet up with them again until the dancing starts after dinner.

The next question you should ask yourself: Does my date know anyone at the wedding who they can hang out with? Continue reading →

Q&A: Handling a Huge Guest List

Q: My bride wants to invite 20 people to her bachelorette party! What are my options for throwing a big party on a reasonable budget?

A: Accommodating a huge guest list is definitely a challenge, especially when you want to keep the cost low for both yourself and your guests. Here are a few party ideas that work well for large groups and won’t cause you to have a breakdown.

  • Host a girl’s night in at your house: The ultimate in easy party planning, throwing the party in your home or apartment will definitely lower your stress level. You can keep it simple with delivery or take on a home-cooked meal. The only downfall to hosting the party at your house is that you’re more likely to spend a lot of money yourself on food and drinks. Make the party a potluck and assign each guest a category: appetizers, side dishes, alcohol, mixers, desserts, or paper products. Then take on the main dish yourself. Turn it into an old-fashioned sleepover party complete with sleeping bags, truth or dare and kareoke.
  • Rent a house at a beach, mountain or lake: Everyone loves a getaway, and with this many people you’ll be grateful for the space of an entire house. If you add $5-$10 to the cost of the weekend per person, you can stock the kitchen with cereal, yogurt, and sandwich fixings to keep breakfasts and lunches easy. Sites like vrbo.com and Homeaway.com are great sources for vacation rental homes all over the country. A few words of advice: Finding a house that sleeps 20 people is going to be very difficult, so be sure guests know they may have to sleep on blow-up mattresses or couches. You’ll probably have to quote a lower number of guests to the property owner since many don’t want parties larger than the house actually sleeps. Be sure you’re going with a group of people you trust to leave the house in one piece—the last thing you want is an angry owner with your name on the agreement. As long as you know your group will clean up after themselves, go for it!
  • For the sporty bride: How about a kickball game and picnic at your local park? Some parks have rules against alcohol, but many are lenient if you don’t bring glass bottles or get too rowdy. Personalize “Team Bride” shirts with the guest’s names on the back (Old Navy has a tee that you could personalize yourself or this site will personalize them for you).
  • Bar crawl: Skip fancy dinners; bars are much simpler and better for big groups! Start with appetizers at a local brewery, then progress to cocktail lounges, dance clubs, kareoke bars, strip clubs—whatever best suits the group. Make sure you choose bars that are within walking distance of one another, or arrange for transportation in the form of designated drivers, taxis or a limo.

One of the hardest things to do with a big group, in my opinion, is have dinner at a restaurant. Here’s why: Continue reading →

Wedding Day Duties

So the day has finally come. Time to put your game face on and make the bride your number one priority. It’s important to keep things in perspective and remember the role you signed up for. Your bride may be giddy with happiness or petrified with nerves—just be the friend she needs that day.

I’ll use photographs from the lovely Michele’s wedding to lay out how a traditional wedding day will unfold. This of course all flies out the window if your bride has planned a nontraditional ceremony. In that case, just be sure to communicate with her beforehand and know what she needs you to do.

So in our traditional scenario, bridesmaids are asked to meet several hours early to start getting ready. For a girl who can be dressed and out the door in fifteen minutes this may seem excessive, but you really will need the time if everyone is planning to get hair and makeup professionally done. Even if that’s not the case, remember that job of yours? Support. Your bride wants to be surrounded by her friends. Show up when she asks.

Ok, so the hair and makeup folks have arrived or you have broken out the curling irons and mascara yourself and the primping is under way. Wear a button-down shirt or loose top so that your hair and makeup won’t get messed up and you’ll be comfortable. What else should you do for the next couple hours? I’m partial to celebratory mimosas but I highly, highly recommend keeping drinking in check—one or two at most. If you start getting ready in the morning for an afternoon or evening wedding and drink at a steady pace, people will be wasted, tired and sloppy at the actual event. MOHs can coordinate with the bride’s mother to make sure there will be food for everyone. If Mom’s not planning to provide, make it your job to arrange this. You all need to eat at least something small. No one wants to pass out at the wedding. Youtube “bridesmaid fainting” for a preview of how that will go.

Holding the bride’s mimosa.

This is also a great time to present the bride with a small gift from her maids. For Michele, we got her an FSU garter. The bride may have favors for you as well (Michele made us beautiful bracelets to wear on the day!). Sometimes you’ll present the bride with a gift as a group, but I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary since you’ll already have given her shower/bachelorette/wedding gifts. One thing I always try to do though is bring a card for the bride and share a private moment with her. I like to include my thanks for asking me to be in her wedding, my excitement for the day and encouragement about the future. It’s a great way to share a personal moment before she gets swept up in the events of the ceremony and reception. I kind of cherish that getting ready time, because after that the bride is going to be bombarded by the other guests and you won’t have as much time with her.

Michele with her gift—an FSU garter.

After all the maids are dressed, you’ll help the bride into her gown. If she’s using a professional photographer they will probably be on hand at that point to capture the moment. For the next hour (or so) you’ll take pictures with the bride, either at the reception venue or the church. Some couples may choose to do a “first look,” in which case the whole wedding party will meet up and take photographs before the ceremony. If there’s no first look, you’ll be expected to take more pictures after the ceremony. Either way, you’re in for the long haul here. The MOH should stay with the bride at all times and make sure her dress and hair are always looking great. Carry her train for her if she has one and step in to fix problems if you see them (I don’t want to even get into the red underwear situation).

The first look!

After photographs it’s time for the ceremony! When processing down the aisle, adopt that time-honored BBQ slogan: slow and low. Walk slowly and carry your bouquet low, where your hands would sit naturally if you folded them in front. Higher will block your face and dress and just looks weird. The MOH holds the ring (if she has a pocket or place to keep it; if not sometimes the best man will carry both rings). She stands beside the bride, fixes her train and veil when the bride makes it down the aisle and holds the bride’s bouquet and her own throughout the ceremony. When the vows are said and the ceremony complete, the MOH, along with the Best Man, will sign the marriage license—the true reason we have attendants in the first place. They are our witnesses to the validity of the marriage!

Excellent bouquet form.

If your couple has planned post-ceremony pictures you’ll now partake in those. Then the wedding party heads to the reception. Some couples may want you to be formally introduced, in which case you’ll wait for the other guests to enter and then come into the reception as your names are announced. Sometimes the wedding party stands around the dance floor as the couple has their first dance, other times they might join in after a few bars or just take your seats. It’s a good idea to find out in the morning what your bride had planned for this, because in the moment she’s going to be a litttle preoccupied.

An enthusiastic introduction.

The bridal party gathers around during the first dance.

Then, unless you’re the MOH, your “official” duties have ended! Your unofficial duties: make sure guests are having a good time—point out wedding day events like photo booths or guest books, help pass out favors, lead dances if necessary, chat with lonely old ladies, if single cruise for eligible bachelors—you know the drill. If your bride has taken a more DIY approach, your work may only be beginning, but that’s really specific to each bride.

She doesn’t even know that woman (to my knowledge).

If you’re the MOH, you’ll need to give a speech. But more on that another time.