Category Archives: Advice

How Do I Tell a Friend She’s Not One of My Bridesmaids?

Q: My fiancé and I have decided to each have five attendants at the wedding. We both agreed that we didn’t want a huge wedding party and he really only has five people who he feels comfortable asking—his two brothers, my brother and his two best friends from college. The thing is, it was really hard for me to choose just five people and there are two girls who I am close friends with who I’m not going to be able to ask to be bridesmaids. How can I break the news that they aren’t in the wedding party without hurting their feelings?

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A: This is a very tough situation, but also a pretty common one. It’s very likely that most couples don’t have perfectly matching numbers of close friends to create symmetrical bridal parties. Beyond that, we always have to draw the line somewhere—you can’t ask every single friend to be your bridesmaid or you’d end up like this crazy woman. You’re already through the first hard step: deciding who you have to leave out. That was a tough decision in the first place and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. You had to make a choice and you did. Good job.

I think a piece of advice that should be more widely circulated is that no one should assume they are going to be invited to a wedding or asked to be a bridesmaid. We could all save ourselves a lot of hurt feelings if we make it a rule to assume the bride and groom are going to elope and then are just pleasantly surprised if we receive an invite or a request to be in the wedding party. There are so many considerations that go into these decisions and most of them have nothing to do with your friendship. Brides have to think about the cost of each guest and the spacial constraints of the venue. Parents and relatives can lay on additional pressures, so a bride may be forced to choose a cousin as her bridesmaid over one of her close friends. If a bride envisions a small service, she may not want to have any attendants at all and might only invite her immediate family to the event!

So how do you tell your friends that you can’t ask them to be a bridesmaid? Think about what you want to say before you bring up the topic. Don’t try to explain why she didn’t “make the cut.” Instead, focus on affirming your friendship. Make sure she knows that she’s invited to the wedding and the pre-wedding festivities, like the bachelorette. It might be a nice touch to ask if she can be involved in some small way that directly plays to her strengths. For example, you could say “you have such great taste in music, I would love your recommendations for our wedding playlist” or “you are so my most fashionable friend, so I’d love to run some dress ideas by you.” Don’t ask for anything too large—after all, she’s not a bridesmaid so she shouldn’t have to do the work of one—but asking for her opinion or advice is a simple way to include her that won’t burden her as well. Let her know that just because she’s not an official part of the wedding doesn’t mean that your friendship is going on hold. Try to leave the conversation with plans to do something together, maybe that doesn’t involve your wedding.

You could also think about adopting the Southern tradition of a “house party.” Basically, the house party is composed of women who are close to the bride, but are not her bridesmaids. The house party attends all the showers and the bachelorette party and sometimes participates in the ceremony in some small way, either by doing a reading, manning the guest book, or helping to direct guests to different activities, like a photo booth or dessert bar. This role is also sometimes called the “host” if only one or two girls are doing it. House party members can sit in the second row during the wedding (behind immediate family) and sometimes wear dresses that are the same color as the bridesmaids (but not the exact same dress).

The other thing to think about, and I know this is revolutionary, but maybe you don’t need to have the same number of attendants as your fiancé. I’ve actually given this a good bit of thought and other than perfectly balancing wedding party photographs and giving each lady a gentleman’s arm to process out on, I just can’t see why two people can’t have a slightly different number of attendants. Wedding “rules” have loosened up a lot. Head tables, formal introductions, and receiving lines are starting to be rarities rather than certainties, and the traditional setup of the wedding is in flux. Lots of brides are choosing to have more casual weddings and are playing by their own rules. So, just give it a think.

Photo courtesy LanierStar Photography.

Have a tough question you’d like to submit for the next Ultimate Bridesmaid Q&A? Leave it anonymously in the comments or email us at ultimatebridesmaid@gmail.com. 

Q&A: When the Other Bridesmaids Won’t Help

What to do when the other bridesmaids wont helpQ: I’m the maid of honor in my best friend Ashley’s wedding this summer and four of her other friends are bridesmaids. I’m not close with any of them, but I’ve been trying to get them to help me with planning the shower. The all originally agreed to chip in, but now they hardly ever respond to my emails and when they do it’s usually to say that they’re too busy to help out. I know I can’t force these girls to be involved, but I just don’t understand why they won’t contribute at all!

A: First of all, I feel your pain. It’s difficult to be paired up with girls who you don’t know very well and who don’t seem to want to contribute beyond showing up on the wedding day. It can be especially hard when you aren’t close friends with the other bridesmaids, because you have no frame of reference on why they would act this way. You can’t help but think, are they always like this? It’s hard to know what’s causing this, but it could be that they just aren’t as interested in the details of the shower as you. If they’ve never been a bridesmaid before, they may be unfamiliar with what the duties involve outside of the wedding day. And there’s always the sticker shock of a first-time bridesmaid—cost is a tricky subject when budgets are tight and everyone is already paying big money for a dress or travel to the wedding.

That said, if the girls signed on to help and are now backing out, something is up. If you’ve had some negative interactions with them and feel like there’s tension between you and the other girls, then it could be helpful to try and start fresh. When you’re writing emails to them, try to always make it positive and about Ashley—that’s your connection. Be careful not to “blame” them or say anything that seems like an attack. Read your emails over before you send them and delete anything that sounds like criticism. They’ll never help you out if they think you’re against them or have turned into a “MOH-zilla.” You could send them an email that says something like this:

“Ashley’s shower is coming up and I’m really excited to share this special day with her and all her best girl friends! There are still a few things that need to get done before the party. I’m hoping that we can split these up and would really appreciate your help. I know Ashley is going to be so surprised and touched with everything we’re planning and I think she’d love for everyone to be involved. I can’t wait to see her face when she sees [detail from the shower]. Here’s a list of what we need to get done. Can you all let me know what you’d be able to help with? I can’t believe there are only a few weeks until the wedding! Email or text back soon so we can get everything set. Thanks!”

If you only go to the other bridesmaids for the necessities there may also be less drama. Try to send only a few emails and keep them polite, but short and to the point: what you need from them and when you need to know.

If it seems like you’re way past this point or you’ve tried something like that in the past with no luck, another option is to move forward with limited interaction with the other girls. It isn’t required for all the bridesmaids to contribute to the shower and the person who throws a shower varies in every scenario. While some groups will have the bridesmaids band together, other times just the maid of honor throws the shower or it could be thrown by a relative or family friend. It’s tough to take on the burden of planning everything, but you may have to just accept that you’re going to do the bulk of the work.

Next, ask yourself if there’s a person you’ve overlooked who could be an asset. Do you and Ashley have a mutual friend who is not a bridesmaid but will be coming to the shower and wedding? If so, see if you can recruit her to help you with the plans. It wouldn’t be appropriate to ask her to help pay for the shower, but she could be a big help with making decisions, putting things together, decorating…whatever needs to get done to make this shower happen! You could also find an ally in the bride’s mom. If you need help, reach out to her to see if she’d be willing to cohost the shower with you or give her input on the details.

Lastly and I think most importantly, no matter what try to maintain a civil relationship with the other bridesmaids. I know that’s hard when you’re tearing your hair out, but it’s the best thing you can do for your friend. I always try to tell myself that whatever stress I’m feeling about the wedding, the bride’s has got to be 10 times worse. The last thing I’d want to do is add to her stress by creating a bridesmaid infight. When you want to explode at the other girls, just remember that the bride must like them for some reason! Concentrate on Ashley and try to just let the other stuff go. In the end, the day’s about her—but you already know that.

Have a tough question you’d like to submit for the next Ultimate Bridesmaid Q&A? Leave it anonymously in the comments or email us at ultimatebridesmaid@gmail.com. 

Do I Have to Open Gifts at My Bridal Shower?

I recently came across an article on a popular bridal website about opening gifts at the shower. The reader asks if it’s necessary to open gifts at the shower and the writer replies “‘Fraid so, since receiving gifts—and opening them—is the main focus of a shower.” She then goes on to recommend that you “figure out a few gracious stock responses that you can use after unwrapping each gift (“Thank you so much—I love it!” or “Oh, wow—how gorgeous!” are good ones)” and maybe even “recruit a witty friend” to “oooh and ahhh where appropriate.”

HOLY HECK! This is the worst advice I’ve ever heard. Practice sounding appreciative?!? Stand in front of the mirror and repeat “Oh wow—how gorgeous” until it sounds sincere?!?! Recruit a “witty friend” to fill dead air?!?! Oh my GOD! Do not do this!

View More: http://dyannajoyphotography.pass.us/kellie-bridal-shower

Photo courtesy of Dyanna Joy Photography.

Saying that the purpose of a bridal shower is to receive and open gifts is like saying that receiving gifts is the purpose of any party—birthdays, housewarmings, graduation. It is not! The purpose of a shower should be to gather with all the women in your life to celebrate your upcoming marriage. Can gifts be involved? Of course! But making them the centerpiece of the shower is one of the reasons bridal showers have a bad rep. This is why people think showers are boring! No one likes watching people open presents for two hours.

Do I think you should open your gifts at the party? Yes, I do. Does everyone have to sit around you in a circle and ooh and ahh (possibly only because they have been selected as your witty friend, though how this is witty I don’t know)? Nope!

Here are some ideas for making gift opening more enjoyable for everyone and less awkward for you, all of which do not involve you acting fake or recruiting friends to save you when things get awkward.

  • Pick a gift from the gift table and then find the giver. Privately open it with the giver so they can see your reaction and so you can thank them right away, then place the open gift back on the table so others can see it if they’re interested in what you’re received. This eliminates the awkward “gift opening circle” but still allows you to show your appreciation to your guests for bringing a gift.
  • If you have only a few gifts to open, go ahead and do it all at once, but encourage guests to eat and drink while you’re opening. Have some music playing so that the mood is still festive and no one feels like the party has ground to a halt just because you’re opening gifts.
  • Open the gifts while standing by the gift table. Again, this encourages movement and will keep the guests from settling into boring present lethargy. It will be easy for you to run over and give someone a hug instead of those awkward sitting hugs. Ugh.
  • If you do want to recruit a helper, ask them to make this announcement (or make it yourself): “Carrie is going to open her gifts, but she really wants you all to keep having fun! Feel free to keep the party going if you’re not interested in how many blenders she’s going to receive!”

No matter how or when you open your gifts, I think it’s important to send a thank you note. Some people may find this old fashioned, but if you’ve ever received a thoughtful thank you note, you know how warm and fuzzy it makes you feel. Make sure the women in your life know that you appreciate them by sending a note that thanks them for coming to your shower, mentions their gift and shows them how much you love it.

The Bridesmaid Packing List for the Wedding Day

bridesmaid packing list for the wedding dayEverything you need for her big day—plus a printable PDF with all the details.

Pro Tip: Stash a small duffel or large shoulder bag into your luggage to use the day of the wedding. You won’t want to drag your entire suitcase to the bridal suite, so having a smaller bag for everything you need the day of the wedding will come in handy.

For Bridesmaids:

  • Your dress

Pro Tip: If you’re flying, carry your dress on the plane in a garment bag. Planes have small coat closets that the flight attendants generally use to stash the jackets of businessmen in first class. As you enter the plane, tell the flight attendant that you’re going to a wedding and ask if he or she could hang your dress in the closet. They should be happy to oblige. The last thing you want is some kind of luggage mix-up ending with you minus your dress. 

  • The shoes you’ll wear with the dress

Pro Tip: Never wear new shoes to a wedding! Make sure to break them in by wearing at least three times before the big day. You’re going to be doing a lot of standing and your feet will thank you. 

  • A pair of comfortable sandals to change into at the reception
  • The right bra and underwear to wear under your dress

Pro Tip: Pre-plan the undergarments you’ll wear under your dress! Make sure to try it on with the bra and underwear you want to wear. Make sure no lines show on the bottom and that the straps are hidden on top. You may need a thong or to go braless. There are lots of crazy bra options for weird backless dresses—or those insane sticky things that hold up your boobs. Make sure you know before the day of the wedding which option you’ll need. 

  • Your wedding gift or a card (can be mailed ahead)
  • A button-up shirt or loose tank to wear while having your hair and makeup done (or while doing your own)
  • Comfortable pants or shorts to wear while getting ready

Pro Tip: When choosing the outfit you’ll wear for getting ready, remember that there’s a good chance a photographer will be on hand to take pictures during this time. If you want to rock your comfiest oversized sweats, more power to you. But if you don’t want to be photographed in your gym clothes, pack something neutral and comfortable that you won’t mind taking a few snaps in. Nothing fancy, just maybe something without holes.

  • Makeup. If you’re doing your own makeup, you’ll need your full makeup bag. If you’re having your makeup professionally done, pack mascara and lip gloss for touch-ups.
  • Deodorant
  • Drugs. Chances are butterflies, jitters or heavy drinking from the rehearsal dinner the night before will leave you, the bride or other maids not feeling your best. Pack stomach medicine like Tums, a painkiller like Advil, and allergy medication like Claratin, just to be safe. If you have prescriptions, be sure you include them as well.
  • Band-aids. Not only for injuries, band-aids can also help with uncomfortable shoes.
  • Double-stick tape. Savior of strapless dresses that won’t stay up. Can also be used to fix a hem that’s falling out!
  • Tissues
  • Bobby pins
  • Hair styling tools or a picture of the hair style you want. If you’re doing your own hair, make sure to pack all the tools you’ll need, be it curling iron, rollers, dryer, straightener, hair spray, bobby pins, ties, clips, etc.

Pro Tip: Telling a hair stylist to give you an up-do is like telling a chef to make you some food. What kind of up-do do you want? Print out a couple options (or have them saved on your phone).

  • Jewelry (if you’re wearing it)
  • Breath mints. No gum. Leads to potential chewing in pictures.
  • Heel inserts
  • Shout wipes
  • Small sewing kit
  • A camera. It’s hard to take time to snap pictures when you’re in the wedding, but sometimes it’s nice to have on hand, especially if the bride doesn’t plan to have a photographer present while you’re getting ready.
  • Your cell phone charger (Thanks to reader Karen for the callout!)
  • A small umbrella (As savvy reader Darby put it, rain on the wedding day may be good luck, but you don’t want to be caught without cover!)

For Maids of Honor:

  • A copy of your speech
  • Contact information for all the other bridesmaids, so you can track down latecomers or call for backup if the bride needs anything
  • A copy of the day’s schedule from the bride so you can help keep everyone on task

Coordinate with the other bridesmaids to make sure someone brings:

  • Music and speakers. You and the girls are going to want to jam while you’re getting ready, right? Make sure that you or one of the other maids brings portable speakers or some other setup to allow you to pump some tunes while you’re getting ready.
  • Snacks. Choose high energy but low mess snacks, like fruits and veggies or dark chocolate. You don’t want anything that could drip and leave stains or get crumbs all over your dress.
  • Bottled water
  • Drinks like mimosas or champagne if you plan to have a few while getting ready

Pro Tip: Keep drinking before the wedding to a minimum, maybe one or two glasses each. Even if you are normally a pro drinker, emotions run high and you are at the start of a loooong day. You don’t want to risk getting sloppy or feeling tired or sick during the ceremony or photographs from a combination of alcohol, nerves, heat or stress. There will be tons of drinking later, I promise. For now, keep it light. 

  • Any special gifts you plan to give the bride the day of the wedding

And here’s a link to a PDF you can download and print for the day: Bridesmaid Wedding Day Packing List.

10 Tips for Bridesmaid Dress Shopping

10 tips for bridesmaid dress shoppingWe may be slowly moving away from the traditional bridesmaid dress search as it becomes more and more common for brides to choose mismatched dresses or leave the choice of dress up to their bridesmaids. That said, while plenty of brides may encourage you to wear something you own or pick up something cute in a particular color palette, many, many brides are still going to opt for the traditional matching gowns. In that case, here’s what you need to know about shopping for bridesmaid dresses from a bridal retailer.

Before you go

1. You need an appointment. Shopping for bridal attire isn’t as easy as stopping by your local department store. Call ahead and let them know how many girls will be coming in. If there is a particular designer or dress you are hoping to try on, make sure to confirm that they carry it. Nothing is worse than showing up to your appointment only to find that they don’t carry the dresses you wanted to try on…even though their website said they did.

2. Be prepared to work with a “bridal consultant.” Most bridal stores work using consultants, which are salespeople who pull styles for you and basically chaperone you around the store. This can be disconcerting, especially your first time. No one really likes someone hovering over them while they try to make a decision. A good bridal consultant can be helpful, so start out friendly. But if your consultant is making you nervous or putting pressure on you to buy, don’t be afraid to ask for some space. Once the consultant has brought you the dresses, say “Can you give me a few minutes? I’d like to have some time to really think everything over.” They should take the hint and take a step back.

3. Do your research and come prepared. Some bridal stores may have racks that you can peruse, but others will keep only a few samples on the floor and consultants will collect dresses you want to try on. The more prepared you are, the more productive your trip will be. If you have specific dresses in mind, come with printouts and style numbers. If you don’t know quite what you’re looking for yet, try to make a few decisions before you arrive. What color are you looking for? What length? What type of fabric? Consult our guide to bridesmaid dress fabrics and finishes here to get an idea.

At your appointment

4. Wear a strapless bra and bring high heels. You’ll want to see how the dress falls with heels and have the proper undergarments so you can get the full effect. If you plan to wear your hair up, have a hair tie to pull it back as well.

5. They’ll only have dresses in one or two sizes. This is one of the most frustrating parts of the process. Though some retailers are exceptions (David’s Bridal carries a full range of sizes), most traditional bridal boutiques only carry gowns in a sample size. This varies from store to store, and some will carry two sizes, a smaller and larger. In my experience, the sizes I most often see are a 6 and a 12, with an occasional sighting of an 8 or 10. If you’re tiny, the bridal consultant will have clips to help cinch in the dress so you can get an idea of the silhouette. If you typically wear over a size 12 or want to try on a maternity style, a traditional bridal appointment may let you down.

I know what you’re thinking. Wait, if I can’t try on the dresses in my size, how am I supposed to know if it will look good? Excellent question. Seriously. Continue reading →

A Step-by-Step Guide to Planning a Bachelorette Weekend

A Step-by-Step Guide to Planning the Ultimate Bachelorette PartyYour best friend has just asked you to be her maid of honor. You’re thrilled, excited, over-the-moon…oh wait, you have to do what? Plan and organize a getaway weekend for all her closest friends, whom you may or may not know? Don’t panic, you can do this.

Bachelorette weekends have become something of the norm, at least in my circle of friends. Since friends are spread out all over the country, it makes sense to come together for a weekend of fun rather than make multiple trips for different parties. But planning can seem daunting, especially when you take into considerations all the feelings and expectations you’re expected to navigate. To help you through this troubled time, here’s my step-by-step guide to planning a bachelorette weekend.

When She Gets Engaged

  • Find out what the bride wants—location, theme, and guest list. The first step in planning any occasion for the bride is to have a one-on-one. The bride should tell you where she wants the party to be and she should provide a guest list, complete with contact information. Try to find two or three potential dates that would work for the bride. If she is open to input on location, give her yours and consult the bridesmaids. However, I highly recommend keeping decisions within this group. Don’t reach out to every single person on her guest list, or else you’ll end up driving yourself insane.
  • Ask the bride how much involvement she wants to have beyond the basics. Some brides are going to want to have input on where you stay and what you do. Others will be relieved to have one less thing to plan. Make sure you know where your lady stands.
  • Reach out to the bridesmaids to finalize a date. The bachelorette party is typically one to two months before the wedding. I do not understand why anyone would want to have it closer to the wedding. The bride has like ten trillion other things to worry about, so give her some breathing room. If all the guests are local, the bride may choose to have the party as close to a few weeks before the wedding, but if guests have to travel, it’s best to put a little space between the two events. Again, do not try to accommodate every person on the bride’s list. There will never be a date and location that works for every girl she wants to invite. Your goal should be to choose a date that works for all the bridesmaids, since they are the most important attendees as the bride’s closest friends.
  • Decide if you need help and then ask for it if you do. As you will see from the length of this post, planning a bachelorette weekend can be pretty time-consuming. All the decisions and details can be overwhelming, especially if you have a busy schedule to begin with. Who has time to price comp all the hotels in Charleston or read through Yelp reviews of sushi places in San Diego? But you have an option: Recruit a cohost. Is there another bridesmaid in the wedding who might have just narrowly been edged out for maid of honor? Or a bridesmaid you are very close with? It also might be wise to recruit a maid who knows the bride from a different period in her life. If you’re the bride’s childhood best friend, ask one of her college friends if she would be willing to cohost with you. Having someone to bounce ideas off of and to split duties (and hosting costs!) with will lower your stress level and also up the fun of planning. Shared Pinterest boards anyone?

Six to Four Months Before the Party

Research your planned destination: It’s time to start getting an idea of what your planned destination has to offer. You’ll need to decide what area you want to stay in and see if there are any activities or spaces the city is famous for that you’ll want to take advantage of. If you’re not familiar with the city, I recommend using resources like Trip Advisor or the DesignSponge City Guides (and, of course, Yelp for restaurants). Reach out to friends, relatives or Facebook acquaintances who live in the area for recommendations. I obsessively keep lists with notes to myself like “good prices for breakfast” or “great location, but no swimming pool.”

Select your type of accommodations:

  • Recruit a host: If you, a bridesmaid or the bride herself has the space and kindness of heart to host the guests for the weekend, go with this option! Accommodations are typically the number one cost for a weekend getaway. If you can eliminate that cost altogether by shacking up at a guest’s house, you will have so much more to work with when planning the weekend’s events. Pros: Drastically cuts down on costs; gives you access to a kitchen so guests can have casual breakfasts, make their own drinks, or create a pot-luck dinner; allows all the guests to hang out together in common areas; eliminates scheduling difficulties like check-in and check-out times. Cons: Host assumes financial burden of providing towels, linens, toiletries, and potentially food and drinks. This can be alleviated by asking the bridesmaids to chip in monetarily or help with set-up and clean-up. Another potential con is that staying at someone’s house might not achieve the same sense of special occasion you experience when staying at a hotel or renting a vacation home.
  • Find a hotel: If you’re traveling to a special destination, staying at a hotel may be your best option. It’s the most low-maintenance, will put you close to major attractions and provide you with a stress-free home base. In some big cities, hotels may offer complimentary transportation to the airport or to major tourist areas. Be sure to check for hidden charges for putting more than the listed amount of people in a room. Sneaking five people into a four-person room is probably doable. Packing six or seven in? Someone may take notice and you may incur extra charges or be asked to rent another room. Pros: No clean up or maintenance and full-service options like room service, laundry and maid service; amenities like pools, gyms, and on-site restaurants; central locations with easy access to transportation; stress-free home base. Cons: Large groups must split up into multiple rooms; check-in and check-out times dictate arrivals and departures; fees may apply for guests over room-occupancy limit.
  • Rent a house: Renting a house may seem like the most expensive option, but that isn’t actually the case. Depending on the size of your party and your needs, sometimes renting a house is actually cheaper. A good place to look for vacation rentals is vrbo.com. You can search for houses by occupancy, bedrooms, location and amenities (you know you want a hot tub!). Pros: Renting a house offers all the benefits of staying with a friend, but without that burden on the host. Cons: Rentals require hefty deposit so you’ll need to plan ahead and get your guests to send checks earlier rather than later. Rental owners are also more likely to be picky about who stays at their home. You don’t have the anonymity of a hotel, so you’ll need to be sure your group can be counted on to clean up and leave the place how you found it. Otherwise you’ll lose your deposit or get stuck with hefty cleaning fees.

Plan events: Map out the broad strokes of your weekend. Will you throw a shower for the bride? Go on a pub crawl? Take a class or some kind of tour? Have a special dinner or visit a certain landmark? See a show or hire entertainment? You do not need to have every moment of every day planned out (and you shouldn’t!), but you do need to work out the big picture. For your own sanity, I recommend planning out two big activities a day, one outing and one meal. Then leave yourself and your guests some breathing room to explore the city on their own or follow your own whims. People will like that you’re providing structure, but also giving them room to make their own suggestions or check out quirky findings of their own. It will also save you time and stress. Planning every moment of this weekend will put you over the edge—so don’t!

Three Months Before the Party

Finalize the guest list: This may seem early, and it is if you are planning a party in the bride’s hometown or where no one has to travel. This applies to destination weekends that will require most of the guests to travel. Think of this as sending a “save-the-date” card. Guests need time to arrange transportation and budget for accommodations. See more on this below. But first, a note on who pays for what. Continue reading →

Q&A: Writing a Speech for Your Parents’ Vow Renewal

Q: My parents are renewing their wedding vows and I will be the maid of honor and my brother is the best man. I’m having a hard time writing my speech as I am a little shy in front of crowds, and also because my parents (obviously) are so very close to me. I want it to be a very special moment.

A: Even though you are feeling a lot of pressure, I actually think you are really lucky to be giving a speech to your parents, and you have a lot of options! One of the hardest things about giving a good maid of honor speech is that sometimes we don’t know enough about the groom or the couple’s relationship to make the speech truly personal. We tend to have lots of memories with the bride, but not a ton of true insight into her relationship with her groom. But you’re in an amazing position—you’ve been around for many of the special moments in your parents’ lives! That said, I totally understand that making speeches can be intimidating. Here are a few ideas to help customize your speech and make the moment special for your family.

1. The first thing I would do is jot down a few notes of special memories that you have of your family. Think about the things that make you unique as a group—your traditions, your quirks, your favorite vacation, a famous mishap that you always tell at holidays. Then think about why those moments are special to you.

2. You can talk about what you’ve learned about marriage from your parents. As we grow up, we often subconsciously look to our parents to find out what makes a good marriage—and sometimes what doesn’t! This could be a heartwarming ending to your speech after sharing a story or two, to turn it back to what those stories taught you and how your parents have inspired you.

3. You could also team up with your brother and give a joint speech. It may take away some of the jitters to have him talking as well. Challenge each other to tell the sappiest story about your parents—or the silliest.

4. If public speaking is really freaking you out, or you just want to take a different route, you could also make a photo slideshow and narrate. You can pick funny or sweet photos of your parents that show their relationship from the beginning, including yourself and your brother. Everyone loves looking back at old memories and since all eyes will be on the images it might take a little of the pressure off you!