So it’s your first time as a bridesmaid? No sweat! Being a bridesmaid can be a lot of fun, a lot of work, a pain in the butt—or a little of all three. It’s really all about what you make of it. If you’re excited about being a bridesmaid and approach it with enthusiasm, you’ll end up having a blast and creating great lasting memories with your friend. If you approach it like a chore, you’ll find yourself constantly complaining about how much work there is to do and how much you just want to quit. Here are a few things to keep in mind to set you up for bridesmaid success.
1.Your #1 job is one you’re already doing: Be the best friend you can be to the bride.
2. Take on what you can handle. If you’re not Little Miss Planner, don’t offer to create the itinerary for a bachelorette weekend.
3. Offer to do what you’re best at. Are you a photographer? Snap some artful shots at the bridal shower. Great in the kitchen? Offer to cook breakfast during the bachelorette weekend. Music more your thing? Create a rocking playlist to blast while the girls are getting ready for a night out.
4. Just because something is traditional doesn’t make it mandatory. Modern brides are choosing the customs they like and leaving the others behind. Just follow the bride’s lead.
5. You are the bride’s support system on her wedding day. Emotions will be running high that day. The bride may be nervous about a thousand things. (Will the caterers remember to create a gluten-free dish for her cousin who has an allergy? Will Uncle William drink too much and start making inappropriate comments to her friends? Will she still fit perfectly into her dress after that extra glass of wine last night?) You are there to put her at ease, make her laugh, encourage her and tell Uncle William to freaking cool it.
Are you like, yeah, great advice, but what do I actually have to do? What are my bridesmaid duties? Allow me to help:
Bridal showers: Bridal showers are traditionally thrown by the bridesmaids or a relative of the bride (aunts, sisters, cousins, even your mother-in-law-to-be). Though thinking outside the box is always encouraged, here’s the basic idea behind a shower. Bridal showers are usually held in the morning or afternoon. The celebration is multi-generational, including female friends and relatives of the bride, from her childhood friends to her aunts and grandmother, as well any close family friends she might want to attend. Only guests who are invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. Gifts are usually given (hence the showering part—you’re showering her with gifts). For a more in-depth description of every aspect of the bridal shower and answers to the most common FAQ, read our Bridal Shower 101.
Bachelorette party/weekend: Bachelorette parties are usually planned by the maid of honor with the help of the bridesmaids. Many brides now opt for destination bachelorette weekends—this is the best choice for brides who have friends scattered all over the country. The bachelorette should include things the bride loves to do, whether that be good food, shopping, beach time, hiking, a sporting event or a wild night out. It’s a time to bond with your best girlfriends. For more help on planning a destination bachelorette, click here.
Bridesmaid dresses: The bride generally selects the bridesmaid dress, though some brides will provide a color palette or selection of dresses and let their bridesmaids choose. Sticker shock can be a factor as some popular bridesmaid dress retailers can run $200 and up (especially for floor-length dresses). However, lower-priced options are available. If your bride asks for help in hunting down bridesmaid dresses, look outside of traditional bridesmaid dress retailers. Check your favorite stores to see if they’re carrying cute dresses in the bride’s chosen palette. Just remember that the bride does have the final say and be prepared to deal with that (even if it means a color or fabric you hate). For more of what to expect when shopping for a bridesmaid dress, click here.
Wedding day duties: On the day of the wedding, as mentioned, you are the bride’s support system. You’ll spend time getting ready with her, take pictures, stand with her during the ceremony and party the night away with her. The maid of honor has the important job of signing the marriage license and giving a toast at the reception. For more in-depth run-down of wedding-day duties, click here.
Still have questions? Check out our Bridesmaid Basics section or leave it in the comments!
Photos top to bottom: Sam Jasper Photography, Ducky Jessica Photography, Blue Barn Photography, Glass Jar Photography, Brooke Images Photography
So, I bought my wedding dress. SURREAL, right? I’m not going to show you what it looks like because that would be cheating, but I will tell you a little about my shopping experience. My Mom flew up to New York and we took along my future sister-in-law, Erin, as well, who I am super close with. The two of them were like little kids at Christmas they were so excited. I was kind of nervous about all the attention and the anxiety of finding something I loved, but they were sooooo pumped, which helped shake off some of my nerves and get me excited as well. Erin, who has two adorable small children, was like, “FREEDOM, GIRL’S DAY OUT!” and my Mom was like “Big city shopping, wooooo New York!” so they were definitely providing positive vibes (a must when choosing who to shop with, I might add).
We started the day with a blow-out at Dry Bar and can I just say, BRIDE PRO TIP: Get your hair done before your bridal appointments. Seriously, it makes such a huge difference. My friend Nichole did this before her bridal appointment and I was like, this is a stellar idea, I will do it as well. It helps you visualize how you will actually look on your wedding day and you aren’t distracted by your frizzy and/or flat hair as you are trying on fancy amazing dresses.
We started our shopping at Lovely Bride in Tribeca. This salon is really relaxed and carries some great unique designers that you might not find at other salons. I knew I wanted to try on dresses by Theia and Rue de Seine because I love that style. My stylist also let me browse through the rest of the salon and pick out other dresses that appealed to me, which was nice (not all salons let you do this).
Here’s where we get to some real talk though. The hardest part about bridal gown shopping is not being able to try on your real size. ALSO, and this will just kick you in the gut, bridal gowns run one or two (or even more) sizes smaller than regular dresses. Which is just kind of a mental F you. I honestly had to just not think about the number and remind myself that it’s all about how I look and feel in the dress, not what numerical value has been assigned to this piece of fabric. But since bridal salons only carry sample sizes, it can be really hard to envision how the dress would look if it fit correctly. The stylists are seriously like wizards. They will pull and tuck and pin and straighten and cinch and do all kinds of crazy shit to get that sample to look as good as possible on you—but it’s just no comparison to trying on a dress that fits you correctly.
All this is to say that we ended up with a problem at Lovely Bride: There was a gown I really really loved the look of, but the sample size they had was a bit too small for me, to the point where I could almost but not quite get it over my hips. My stylist said she could reach out to the designer to try to borrow a bigger sample, but they would have to charge me $150…just to borrow a dress to try on that I might not even purchase. I was like, thanks, but no thanks.
Our next stop was Kleinfeld’s and I honestly have to tell you that it was an amazing experience. I thought it would be too fancy or pushy or stuffy: Wrong on all counts. The first thing I did was mention the dress I had wanted to try on at Lovely Bride to my Kleinfeld’s stylist Laura Diaz (who I recommend if you’re going to Kleinfeld’s in New York!). She was like, “hold on one sec,” and whizzed off and found the dress. Their sample size was one size bigger than Lovely Bride’s and it fit! Yay!! An inch can make all the difference here people. I loved it instantly. Laura started pulling other dresses for me and made some really good selects, but she could tell I loved the first one the most. She pulled a dress with a similar silhouette that was actually my bang-on correct “bridal” size so I could see how the dress I loved would look on me when it was my size. She pulled dresses by the same designer in different shades so I could pick the best shade for my skin tone. She was a rock star. And then I said yes to the dress (she made me, I felt a little corny, but everyone clapped, so yay!).
I have to give Kleinfeld’s credit because they had the most variety of sizes and styles and it really made all the difference. I had been shopping at a few other salons before this trip and never put on a dress that made me feel anything but meh. I would think “well, I like the top of this but hate the skirt” or “this is sort of OK” or just “Ugh, no.” But at Kleinfeld’s, not only did I find my dress, I found other dresses that looked good on me. We thought we had found the dress and then my stylist kept finding me other things that looked good too and Erin was like “now I’m getting confused.” In the end, the dress I picked was just the most “me.” It looked like a dress I would wear and a style I would choose. Plus, it’s really unique and gorgeous. And now I just can’t wait to wear it!!
I pulled together my takeaways from wedding dress shopping for you into the handy below tips.
My Wedding Dress Shopping Tips
Get your hair done before your appointment. It will make a huge difference.
Eat before your appointment! Do not be tempted to skip breakfast—it is not worth it. Trying on dresses is actually really exhausting and you will need energy.
Drink water before and during your appointment. Again, these dresses are heavy and putting them on and taking them off really can wear you out. Stay hydrated.
When choosing who to take with you, pick people who will be positive and supportive (I have been shocked by some of the things I’ve heard bridesmaids/mothers/sisters say to brides).
Limit the number of people you bring with you to your appointment. I find three at most to be the best number. And some of the shopping experiences I enjoyed the most were with just one other person (my MOH and I had a great time trying on gowns at The Bridal Garden and she helped me realize I should broaden the silhouettes I was looking at). Big groups create confusion.
Wear nice undergarments. Because lots of people are going to see you in them today.
Bring along any accessories you might want to wear and shoes with your preferred heel height. I’m planning on wearing a vintage fur that was my grandmother’s for at least part of the wedding day, so I brought it along and it definitely made an impact.
Don’t let the sizes bother you. My stylists said this happens to every bride, no matter their size. Whether you’re a size 0 or a size 10, finding out that your bridal gown size is not your normal dress size can be shocking. Don’t let it bother you. Concentrate on how you look and feel in the dress, not on the number stitched in the back.
Order the size you are now, not the size you plan to be. This is the most common advice that was given to me by other women and bridal professionals. Brides are notoriously going to lose ten pounds/drop a size by their wedding day. But making a dress smaller is not that hard. Making it bigger really, really is. Trust your tailor and order the size you measure at now, then let them make it perfect.
Be open-minded when you are first trying on dresses. My biggest mistake was thinking I knew which style would look good on me. I thought I needed an empire waist with an A-line skirt, but I ended up with a sheath dress that makes my booty look fab. Having an open mind and trying on different silhouettes will quickly show you what you hate (tulle skirts and anything in ivory, in my case) and what you love (unique lace patterns and dresses that make my butt look good, apparently).
In our perfect bachelorette series, we’re mapping out the perfect activities for every kind of bride, from the fashionista to the foodie, the adventure gal to the party girl. First up, the perfect weekend for the active bride. You know, the one who runs the New York Marathon each year, swears by her spin class and is killing that FitBit step challenge (she won’t stop taunting you!). Fill your healthy bachelorette weekend with lots of fitness, while remembering to balance it with a bit of relaxation and to allow room for indulgence.
Make sure your guests are on board for an active weekend You should expect and understand that your guests will be used to different levels of activity and have different levels of experience. Some may view child’s pose as about as bendy as they go, while others are floating a crow pose like it’s nbd. Just make sure the girls you invite are game for an active weekend. Be clear about your plans so that attendees know what to pack (running shoes, fitness attire, yoga mat, etc.) and aware of what they are getting into. Make sure to emphasize that you really want everyone to participate in all the activities. As the host, that means you should be mindful of guests’ skill levels when working out the schedule (choose a 5K rather than a half marathon, a beginning class over the advanced). But that also means that guests are signing on to get outside their comfort zone a bit and be up for whatever.
Run a 5K together
A 5K is the perfect distance for a healthy bachelorette party. Your guests won’t need to do any special training to prepare, and you’ll be finished before noon, leaving plenty of time for other activities. We adore these In It For the Long Run tanks from Fit Little Bride to keep the party looking sharp and coordinated. And make sure to schedule a yummy post-run brunch to celebrate (mimosas encouraged)!
Rent bikes and take a tour
Renting bikes can be a fun way to see a city and stay active. Book a tour, like the Napa Valley Bike Tour, with stops at wineries and vineyards for tastings along the way, or Get Up and Ride’s Brooklyn Sunset and Brews tour, which takes in gorgeous views of the sun setting over the East River and the street art of North Brooklyn before ending with artisanal brews. If you’re craving a bit more freedom, just rent by the hour and head out on your own to explore. Local farmer’s markets or craft fairs make great stops along the way.
Attend a yoga class
After getting in some cardio, it will feel good to stretch your muscles and have a calming moment. If yoga’s not her thing, just book the class you think she’ll most enjoy, be it kick-boxing, barre, spinning or rock climbing.
Keep healthy snacks on hand
Save your indulgence for your meals out by stocking your lodging with healthy snacks and plenty of bottled water. You’ll feel much better about that donut at brunch or that amazing pasta dish at dinner if you haven’t spent the afternoon or night before filling up on chips, dip and sodas. Opt for veggies and fruit, and choose hummus, fresh salsas or Greek yogurt dips to keep things light.
Go on a hike Climb a mountain, find a waterfall, stroll on the beach or wander in the woods. Even urban bachelorettes can plan a day exploring the city’s parks or “urban hiking,” i.e., exploring a neighborhood. For example, San Francisco bach parties can spend an hour or two exploring the Mission District to see the amazing street art on every corner (make sure to grab a fish taco from one of the taquerias lining 24th Street before you go).
Challenge the bachelor party
Meet up with the groom’s bachelor party and get ready for a good ol’ fashioned boys vs. girls smackdown. Head to a local park for a game of kickball or dodgeball, throwback classic games everyone can enjoy. Or set up a field day with multiple events, like a sack race and egg toss. The losing team buys the winners a round of drinks before the two parties go their separate ways.
Indulge a little An active weekend will help the bride (and her guests) feel good and keep on track with any fitness goals. But it’s OK to indulge—it’s a bachelorette party after all! Balance your active days with stops at great restaurants and bars, and be sure to include a few of the bride’s favorite treats along the way.
This post could probably be entitled “creative writing tips” because that’s really what writing a speech is all about—with the caveat that whatever you write needs to sounds natural when spoken aloud. Since getting started is usually the hardest part, I’ve compiled a list of maid of honor speech writing prompts that will help you organize your thoughts about the bride and groom and focus your speech. I’ve also written on how to format your speech and some maid of honor speech do’s and don’ts, if you’re looking for more info.
To start writing a speech, I am a firm advocate of just vomiting out whatever enters your mind (from your fingers, not your mouth). Other people would call this “stream of consciousness” or “spontaneous writing,” but “word vomiting” is just as apt. The whole idea is to not worry about choosing the right word or turn of phrase. You want to focus on ideas rather than word choice. Organization and finesse can come later. What you need to start are the broad strokes. Sometimes I don’t even write full sentences. I just jot down phrases or words that enter my head. I skip around. I leave my thoughts unfinished. I just get something out there. Don’t worry if what you’re writing doesn’t make sense. Let yourself go.
Once you have all those words down, read over what you’ve written. What has potential to be expanded? What catches your attention? Do you see some of the same words and ideas coming up again and again? Sometimes getting out your thoughts shows you the shape of what you want to say. To give you a really good example, when I started writing this post I thought it would be a step-by-step guide to writing a maid of honor speech. But as I was word vomiting (don’t worry, I feel fine now), I realized that I was focusing a lot on the barriers that keep us from starting to write a speech and how we can overcome them. So I modified my idea, organized my thoughts and turned this post into what you see today.
Still struggling? Here are a few tiny tricks I use to help with my writing process and some general advice on maid of honor speeches in particular.
1. If you get stuck on a word, or find yourself slowing up as you grasp for a particular concept, just type “TK” and move on. TK is a editing term that means “to come” (don’t ask about the K instead of a C, I don’t know). TK is really useful because it frees you to keep writing, but you know you need to come back later and find that perfect word.
2. Sometimes your brain needs a warm-up. If I’m struggling with writing, I like to tackle a simple task or mental problem. I feel like it gets my brain organized and ready to think without all the creative frustration that can come from writing. So for example, I might work on putting together a shopping list or read a blog post by a writer I admire. Endless scrolling on Instagram or catching up on Real Housewives won’t encourage your mind to be active. Quite the opposite—those activities are like pause buttons for your brain waves.
3. Resist the urge to use or modify a canned speech from the internet. Resist, resist, resist! 95% of the ones I have read are horrible—like truly cringe-inducing. The number one thing you speech should be is personal and there is no way you’ll get that from a template.
And here are your writing prompts. Use these to get you started. Hopefully these ideas will help you find the nugget of a story or idea that will lead to the perfect speech.
Maid of Honor Speech Writing Prompts
What words best describe the bride?
What words best describe the groom?
What words best describe their relationship?
How did you meet the bride?
How did the bride and groom meet?
What did they do on their first date?
What did you think of the groom when you first met him?
What’s your favorite story about the couple?
What do you admire about their relationship?
How did the groom propose?
What are some of the highlights or milestones of their relationship?
What were some of the challenges they faced in their relationship?
What’s your favorite story to tell about the bride?
Is there a story that epitomizes the bride?
Is there a story that epitomizes their relationship?
What hobbies and interests, like and dislikes do the couple share? How has that enhanced their relationship?
What hobbies or interests, likes or dislikes do they differ on? Has that led to any funny stories?
Have they tried to introduce their spouse to something new? Has it succeeded or failed (hopefully in spectacular fashion)?
You’ve been meticulously planning your wedding for months—well, let’s be honest, more like years via your secret “Future Mrs.” Pinterest board. So it’s understandable that you’ve seen a lot of cute wedding photos. Here’s the trouble. What may have started out as a cute and original idea has had all the cuteness and originality sucked out of it when a simple search yields dozens, if not hundreds, of girls doing the exact. same. thing.
Pinterest can be an amazing tool and asset. But too often we try to turn it into a dream xerox machine. There are a few great articles written by photographers and bloggers alike about the effect of Pinterest on the wedding industry. They talk about how Pinterest discourages the creative process and creates both unreal expectations and a copy-cat culture. Pinstrosity and #pinfails are the ultimate expression of that phenomenon. You see something you love and you try to make it yourself, and you fail…epically. Unfortunately, while we’re quite used to thinking of nail art tutorials and simple peanut butter souffle recipes as ripe for a pinstrosity, we don’t often think about wedding photography that way—but we should. Trying to recreate an image you love will have the same result. What looked natural and beautiful or freakin hilarious on Pinterest will most likely look forced and awkward when you try it yourself. This is because taking a good photograph is not the same as following a recipe. It’s much, much harder.
What’s frustrating about this problem is that it comes from a good place, a place of wanting to be creative and unique. Pinterest really is very inspiring. For me, there’s a strong element of discovery in Pinterest. In particular, it has led me to a ton of blogs I would have never otherwise found. It has introduced me to artists, photographers and designers who are doing amazing work. In a practical sense, I have used Pinterest for party planning, recipe hunting and even Christmas list making. I also use it to pin pretty pictures of ice creams that I will never make—but I know it’s just an ice cream dream…really!
So, without further ado, the top 10 bridesmaid-related photos that are way overdone. Don’t let Pinterest create a wedding shot list for you. Let yourself live in the moment of the day and see if you don’t unintentionally create an authentic moment that translates into a beautiful photograph that someday finds its way onto this list.
1. Bride and MOH Jumping on the Bed
Photo by Brad Ross
How bout we make this rule: If you have not jumped on a bed in the last ten years, you do not get to do this. I think that seems fair.
2. The Bridesmaids Pose
Photo by The Bird and the Bear
Did you even like this movie? Please tell me you’ve at least seen it. Also, their poses aren’t that interesting. So you’re just doing weirdly specific poses from a 2011 comedy. This is going to get dated fast.
3. Don’t Corrupt the Flower Girl
Photo by Maria Vicencio
I love that this image is so popular that we have collected agreed on a phrase for this pose: “Don’t corrupt the flower girl.” If you’d like to be truly horrified, look up some of the less successful attempts at recreating the above original.
4. How We Met the Bride (With Chalkboard, Of Course)
Photo by Katy Hall Photography
Here’s a case where the first time someone ever did this, it was cute. Now? Played out. Also, so many chalkboards! Why the chalkboards, all the time, everywhere?
5. Bridesmaids at the Bar
Photo by Miller Miller Photography
Uggghhhh, cheese factor times one thousand. Also, did they all legitimately chug a beer before the wedding? Because to get it upside down like that, you gotta be draining that thing.
6. We’re All Wearing Such Cute Matching Floral Robes
Photo by Melanie Lust Photography
I mean, I get it. Robes are cute. But this particular type of robe is just every-freakin-where.
7. Just Wait Till You See Her!
Photo by Perry Vaile
The conceit behind this one is that you’re supposed to take this picture and then text it to the groom right before the wedding. My first thought is: Is the groom supposed to think this is cute? Clever? I’d wager money he will think neither. Second thought: What do you do if you don’t have exactly six bridesmaids?
8. Bouquet Face
Photo by Dani Fine Photography
You spent so much time on your makeup, ladies. Why hide your faces?
9. Your Affection Disgusts Us
Photo by Ricky Stern Photography
No one is that disgusted by kissing. I mean, they should at least be going to second base for this to make any sense.
10. Bridesmaid Booty Shot
This one just cropped up recently, but it’s threatening to gain popularity. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, please, do not let this happen.
So who hosts the bridal shower and who is responsible for the cost? Who should be invited and how many bridal showers is too many? How much should you spend on a shower gift—and do you have to send one if you aren’t attending? Should we surprise the bride? Can the groom attend? You’ve got questions about etiquette, themes, games, food, hosting and attending a bridal shower—we’ve got answers.
The Basics
Who hosts the bridal shower?
The bridal shower is traditionally hosted by the maid of honor, the bridesmaids or a family friend or relative of the bride. A lot of factors come into play: where is the ideal location for the shower, when will most people be able to attend, who is financially able to host the party? A good rule to remember: Hosting a shower is a choice, not an obligation. If the maid of honor has offered to host the shower, she may ask the rest of the bridesmaids to cohost—but they do not have to say yes. Other relatives or friends may also offer to throw a bridal shower and the bride may accept or decline. In the past, it was considered a faux pas for a direct member of the bride’s family to host as this was seen as “present grabbing.” But even the maven of manners herself, Ms. Emily Post, now says that it’s perfectly fine for your mother or future mother-in-law to throw the shower.
Who should be invited?
The bride should provide the host with a guest list. Important to note: Only ladies who are invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. Though you may be tempted to invite the friends who didn’t make the wedding list cut to your shower, this is considered rude and puts friends in an awkward position. You’d basically be saying “please get me a present, but sorry, you can’t come to the wedding.” Showers are generally attended by a select group of close friends and relatives, so you should not invite every woman who is attending the wedding.
Who pays for the bridal shower?
The host is responsible for paying for the shower. This goes back to our rule on hosting being a choice, not an obligation. If the bridesmaids have agreed to cohost, they should split the costs of the shower…but they are not hosts by default. This differs from how bachelorette parties are handled—typically each attendee pays her own way at a bachelorette party, chipping in for food, drinks and whatever activities are going down. At a bridal shower, whoever is throwing the party is expected to pick up the bill.
What is my role as a bridesmaid in terms of the shower? You may choose to cohost a shower…or not. If the bride has multiple showers, you will probably be invited to all and if it is possible for you to attend them, you should. (See below on gifting for multiple showers.) If you don’t live geographically near the bride, you should only attend one shower…if that. I personally make it a rule to only buy two plane tickets per wedding—one for the wedding itself and one for a bachelorette and/or bridal shower. Air travel is expensive and friends get that. If the bachelorette is not being held the same weekend as the bridal shower and you are financially unable to or uncomfortable with attending both, talk to the bride and pick one. All of my friends have 100 percent understood this and have wanted me there for their bachelorette weekends—and we usually choose to throw a small shower during the bachelorette weekend anyway, even if the bride has had other showers with family or local friends.
When and where should the shower be held? The bridal shower is usually held three months or less before the wedding. Consult with the bride and bridal party to pick a convenient date. I recommend that the bridal shower be no less than one month before the wedding. The bride is going to have a lot of details to attend to in the last month before the wedding and will appreciate having her weekends free. As to location, showers are most often held at the home of the host, but can also be held at a restaurant or winery, in a park, at a hotel, or really anywhere you like. Just keep in mind that no matter where you hold the shower, the host still must pick up the bill. You can’t ask guests to pay for an activity at the shower.
What should you do at a bridal shower? Many people choose to host a shower at home, serve food and drinks and play a game or two. You can also plan an activity, such as a cooking class or crafting session, or have the shower at a special location, like a winery or day spa. Plan a party that appeals to the bride’s tastes and interests. Don’t just go through the motions of “bridal shower traditions”—make it special and personal to her. Throw the kind of party you want to attend!
Can you have more than one shower?
Yes, you can—on one condition. With the exceptions of your bridesmaids and direct relatives (mother, mother-in-law, sisters, grandma), the guest lists should not overlap. If multiple people offer to host showers, you are welcome to accept, but they should be from different spheres of your life and plan to invite different groups. Perhaps your aunt wants to throw a shower for your extended family and invite your mother’s close friends, but your bridesmaids want to throw a shower for your college girlfriends to attend. If two people who would invite the same guests offer to host the shower, politely decline one offer (“Oh, that’s so wonderful of you to offer, but my MOH has started to plan already. I can’t wait to see you there!”) or see if the two would like to host together.
What about a work shower?
Work showers are the exception to the “must be invited to the wedding” rule. Generous coworkers may offer to throw a shower for you, either during work or after hours. In this case, it is understood that you won’t be inviting all the shower guests to the wedding. Work showers are often much more casual than a regular shower—gifts may be much smaller or everyone may go in on a gift card for the bride.
Should the shower be a surprise?
My feeling on this is no, the bridal shower should not be a surprise. Brides want to look beautiful at their showers. They want to pick out a pretty dress and maybe even get their hair done. They do not want to be coming home from the grocery store in their sweats to find 30 people in their house. If you really want to surprise the bride, tell her the date and time of the shower and keep the details a secret. That way she can relax knowing she’ll look good. Even if you go this route, I think you should consult her on guest list. She may be disappointed that you didn’t include certain friends or you may inadvertently offend someone by overlooking a touchy relative. Keeping the theme, location and events a secret will be enough of a surprise.
Can I throw a co-ed shower? Of course! Choosing to throw a co-ed shower is a personal decision for the bride and groom. One of my favorite co-ed shower ideas is a field day competition—heck, I’d do this with just girls too! But pitting the bridesmaids against the groomsmen in sack races and capture the flag? Yes, please!
Can the groom come to the shower if it’s not co-ed?
It’s my feeling that the groom should not come to the shower if it’s not co-ed. I think people look forward to getting to spend time with just the bride—and part of the fun of getting her away from her fiance is being able to dish about him when he’s not around. That said, it has become a bit of a modern tradition for the groom to make an appearance at the end of the shower and bring the bride flowers. If you do this, be sure to say hello to all the guests—don’t just show up, wave and then bolt. This can be a good opportunity for guests who have never met the groom to get to know him a bit before the wedding day.
Can I have a “no kids” rule at my shower?
Of course you can! It’s your shower. If you think kids will be a distraction, know that certain guests do not have well-behaved children or just want some adult fun time, reach out to those with children to let them know the party will be adults only. If you go this route, make sure there are no exceptions—if your friend can’t bring her holy terror of a son, your sister can’t bring your adorable niece.
Themes and Party Planning
Should the bridal shower have a theme? Themes are an easy way to give you direction when you are planning the shower, but you can also choose a color or pattern as the inspiration for your decor. Just concentrate on creating a party that fits the bride’s personality, whether that means a casual backyard fiesta or a modern sparkly soiree.
What are some good shower themes? When it’s time to choose a bridal shower theme, think about your friend’s interests and passions and see if one would translate into a great bridal shower theme. Don’t throw a tea party just because it’s the first idea that pops into your head—go for the tea party theme if your friend can’t get enough of all things British, brews her own loose tea or collects vintage teapots. Need some inspiration? We’ve got 21 spectacular bridal shower themes for you right here or check out some of the real bridal showers featured here.
Should I send out printed invitations?
That’s up to you. Most bridal showers I’ve been to have had a printed invite. It’s a nice keepsake and doesn’t have to be too expensive. You can find beautiful shower invitations on Wedding Paper Divas or through some amazing Etsy vendors. If you don’t choose to use printed invites, I love Paperless Post for chic digital invitations. Whether you go digital or physical, invitations should be sent out about one month before the shower.
Gifts
What is traditionally given as a bridal shower gift?
Many bridal showers have a present theme, such as lingerie, cooking, home goods, bar supplies or items for the honeymoon. Group gifts are also popular at bridal showers. You can go in with the other bridesmaids to schedule a year of date nights or put together a wine basket with poems attached for notable events in the couple’s first year of marriage. If there’s no shower theme, you can always choose something from the bride’s wedding registry.
How much should I spend on a shower gift?
This is a personal decision, but my recommendation is to shoot for the $30 to $50 range. Another lovely (and inexpensive) shower gift is to create a friendship scrapbook for the bride. Before the shower, each guest decorates a scrapbook page with their favorite pictures and memories of their friendship with the bride. On shower day, the pages can be slid into an album to create a wonderful keepsake for the bride.
As a bridesmaid, I’m attending multiple showers. Do I need to bring a gift to all of them?
No, you do not (and should not). Bring a gift to the first shower you attend. After that, your presence is all that’s required. If you feel weird showing up empty-handed, bring a card to the other showers with a funny or sweet note to the bride.
Does the bride have to open all the gifts at the shower?
I had so much to say about this that I wrote a whole post about it. Short answer: Yes, you need to open the presents while the guests are there so that you can thank them, but you don’t have to make it boring. No one likes watching people open presents for two hours. It is the worst part of bridal showers. So here are some ideas for making the present unwrapping portion of your party less painful for your guests.
If I’m not able to attend the shower, should I still send a gift?
If you can’t attend the shower, you are not obligated to send a gift. If you do want to send something along, I love this idea for a mail-away shower in which guests who couldn’t attend all sent a book they thought would be useful to the bride, with topics ranging from cookbooks to personal finances.
Should there be party favors for the guests?
A small favor is lovely if possible and it doesn’t have to be expensive. My recommendation for choosing a bridal shower favor? Don’t brand it with the bride’s name or wedding date. I know that a lot of people choose to do this, but I never end up using these gifts because I don’t want to advertise your wedding around my house. That would be kinda weird. Make shower favors something I’ll actually enjoy or use. For a cooking shower, a nice wooden spoon is a perfect and useful gift. At a tea party, send me home with a fragrant bag of Earl Grey leaves. You can always add a tag to the gift with “Trisha’s Bridal Shower” to tie in the shower theme. I’ll snap a pic of your cute wrapping and get to enjoy my gift long after the party.
Games
Do we have to play games?
No, you don’t. (Everyone’s like, “WHAT?!?”) It’s true that most showers incorporate games, but there’s no shower goddess who’s going to rain fire down on your party if someone doesn’t get wrapped in toilet paper. Think about incorporating an activity, like wine tasting, a spa treatment or pottery painting, instead of the typical shower games. Or just eat, drink and chat it up—what lady wouldn’t be into that!
What are some fun bridal shower games?
A classic and actually truly enjoyable bridal shower game is the Fiance Quiz. I legitimately always enjoy this game because it’s amusing and you learn a lot about the groom. And I have 5 other bridal shower games (that don’t suck) for you as well. Remember that people want to eat, drink, and chat, not have a regimented schedule of enforced games, so just choose a few to sprinkle in. And have prizes! People are more likely to take interest if there’s chocolate involved.
Food
What kind of food should be served?
Yum-yum kind! Ok, but serious answer. Bridal showers are usually held in the morning or afternoon, so plan your menu accordingly. Buffet style is common to allow guests to mingle and chat, but a seated meal works for a tea party or showers held at a restaurant. And we are ladies, and ladies like sweets, so please serve us dessert as well.
Is alcohol served at a bridal shower?
It’s perfectly fine to serve alcohol at a bridal shower (but not mandatory…unless it is my bridal shower, in which case break out the champagne!). Mimosas are lovely for brunch and wine or a signature cocktail is delightful for lunch. Serve what feels right for your bride.
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This one’s for the gentlemen. I recently received an email from a new bridesmaid whose boyfriend is going to be the best man in the same wedding. She was on the lookout for a few sites to help him navigate his groomsman duties, and I had to sympathize with her struggle. There are tons of wedding websites out there, but they’re pretty focused on us ladies. But groomsmen have just as many responsibilities as bridesmaids—they have to write funny speeches, plan wild parties and stay sober enough before the wedding to withstand a paparazzi session and keep track of one really expensive piece of jewelry. So, I present a roundup of my favorite resources for the best man and groomsmen.
Alpha Groom The Alpha Groom website (and app!) has lots of great articles and tips for grooms and groomsmen alike. Grooms will find help with planning the proposal or writing wedding vows and best men/groomsmen can find ideas for planning a bachelor party and a breakdown of their wedding day duties. This about sums up their spot-on take on what it means to be a best man: “It is your job as the best man to have the groom’s back like he had yours in the dim, laser light clubs or the side-of-the-road watering holes you stalked as a pair of single hunters. You are the best man because your buddy trusts you to have his back at his time of greatest need and most worry—his wedding day.”
A Gentleman’s Guide to Best-Man Hood
This article from Slate’s Gentleman Scholar Troy Patterson could be considered the one-stop shop for how to be the bestest best man. The writer sums up the spirit with which one should approach best manning thusly: “If the wedding is at a vineyard, and if in the vineyard there are snakes, then you will drive out the snakes as discreetly as possible. Flirt with the mother of the bride and any other mother who wants to be flirted with. Build a rapport with the wedding planner. And always and forever OBEY THE BRIDE.”
Staggered
This UK site specializes in helping you plan and book the stag do—they even have a toll-free number for instant advice! They also have plenty of articles to cover the rest of the groomsman experience. One of my favorites? This compilation of several thousand wedding jokes to incorporate in your best man speech.
The Art of Manliness
While The Art of Manliness can school you in everything from how to shave to how to “stop just hanging out with women and start dating them,” it also has a few great articles on the art of being a groomsman. I particularly like their take on the bachelor party, in which they advise men to ditch the strippers and revive the tradition of toasting the groom while also doing something he’ll enjoy…though they do recommend that it not be “anything insanely dangerous” (definition of “insanely dangerous” at your discretion).
Well Groomed A wedding website devoted to groom (and groomsman) style, this resource is the man’s guide to tying the (windsor) knot. It’s packed with a really creative mix of features, from real weddings and style inspiration boards to gift guides and fashion tutorials. If you need to know how to mix and match your groomsmen’s attire or where to find manly gifts that don’t suck, this is your destination.
Bachelorette party/weekend: Bachelorette parties are usually planned by the maid of honor with the help of the bridesmaids. Many brides now opt for destination bachelorette weekends—this is the best choice for brides who have friends scattered all over the country. The bachelorette should include things the bride loves to do, whether that be good food, shopping, beach time, hiking, a sporting event or a wild night out. It’s a time to bond with your best girlfriends. For more help on planning a destination bachelorette, click here.
